Get Stuffed

This was published in 'Our World' in 2004 - While doing my will, my lawyer asked what should have been a simple question, "Do you wish to be cremated or buried?"

Not liking either idea, I considered my options and eventually an idea began to take shape.

"I could be stuffed," I said presenting the idea to my five offspring. None were impressed. "Think of the opportunities. I could attend all of the family functions. You could share me week by week. I can be at every dining room table. I can continue to share your lives with you. You can talk to me. I may not answer but I'll certainly be a listening ear. I really can't think of anything nicer!"

They obviously could because not one jumped to say they would take me first. In fact, not one said they would take me, period.

Undaunted with their present lack of enthusiasm, I mulled over the possibilities.

Hinged knees would be a necessity for mobility. Hinged elbows would also be necessary for family dinners and hinged fingers to hold a wineglass would be a must.

They must never let my hair go gray and they should make sure my make-up is always applied. I certainly wouldn't want to attend any social function looking like I had been dragged there. And I definitely wouldn't want to become frayed around the edges. But most important, I wouldn't want to miss anything. They know how I hate to miss a good party.

Each one insisted that while it may be a good idea, (although they weren't convinced), someone else could keep me. How could they not want me when they loved me? I began to realize that love me they do but decline me they did. I was fighting an uphill battle with my wonderful idea.

I decided to convince the grandchildren that a 'stuffed' me would be great to have around filling their homes with warmth and love.

However, I quickly discovered there was no success in that area either. A 'stuffed' me did not appeal to anyone except me.

But I was not convinced that I was totally on the wrong track. I pointed out the benefits of having a stuffed relative. No one else would have one. And if nothing else, I would be a conversation piece right up there with ownership of a Wayne Gretzky hockey puck. When suggested, Wayne Gretzky's hockey puck won hands down.

I began to hear rumblings that I may instead be stuffed into a closet or a shed (not exactly my idea of being stuffed), if I persisted with my notion.

I was rethinking my idea when my grandson suggested that it might be a good idea after all.

I was ecstatic. I finally had a convert. I'm so happy you like my idea," I enthused.

"Yeah," he smiled charmingly in a way only a 10 year old can, "I was thinking that if we put you out beside the garbage cans, it might help keep the crows away."

Now back to that very simple question.

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